Tenebrous
109 words
Rachel’s nails carve crescent moons into
her shaking palms. The hag’s lips split in a wide smile, and she opens the door
revealing … dense blackness. Something, equal parts wonderful and terrifyingly
powerful, hides in the depths. Bracing one hand on frame, Rachel leans closer. The
impermeable shadows whisper
indistinct promises.
A shiver runs through her. Some inner sense warns if she does it, if she
steps over the threshold, she’ll never be able to go back.
As she starts drawing back, something hits her back, slamming into the
spot directly between her shoulder blades, and she trips over her dripping
skirt, hurtling head first into the shack.
This week's prompt was provided by the talented Rich Voza. My story took a sharp turn from what I expected to write, that's how things go sometimes. Links to the creative writers participating in this week's challenge can be found here. Thanks for taking the time to read my flash fiction.
Dear Jess,
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm hooked (and crossing the threshold with Rachel). Who pushed her and why will have to wait. For now I just want to know what lies in store for her in the darkness. Well told tale today.
Aloha,
Doug
Thanks, I'm curious to see where it leads.
Delete"The impermeable shadows whisper indistinct promises."
ReplyDeleteGreat sentence! Even that alone makes a story.
Excellent job, Jess, that really keeps us guessing to the end and beyond.
Thanks :)
DeleteVery well done...wanted more :)
ReplyDeletehelp me out, miss. what is a "dripping skirt"? i love the tension of the moment. also, why is she carving on her palm? is that something like a signature, like part of a process of casting a spell or something?
ReplyDeleteIf a person's fingernails are long enough (mine aren't) and they close their hands in a tight fist, sometimes the nails will leave crescent shaped indentations in their skin. The dripping skirt was to indicate she's soaking wet. In the longer scene I wrote, it's raining.
DeleteThanks for taking the time to read my snippet, and for asking questions, it helps me determine how clear my writing is :)
A very intense story. Well told.
ReplyDeleteVery intense and scary, enjoyed the read.
ReplyDeleteI thought the dripping skirt was a flowing fabric! Glad to get the rain info though. Nice job of suspense...besides the other person present as a question, there is the question of what IS going on through the doorway.
ReplyDeleteSo did I :-)
DeleteGood story!
Well written story. Scary and dark. I definitely wanted more!
ReplyDeleteVery gripping tale, Jessica. I enjoyed that, and I don't often like present tense tellings :)
ReplyDeletenice Jessica -- That hooked me, and left me wanting to know more.
ReplyDeleteYou really captured the tension here - I was almost goose-pimpley. Nice work Jessica.
ReplyDeleteLove your title, Jess. A dark tale indeed. Good build of tension right down the picture of her hand clenched so tight her nails left indentations. Nicely told. Always leave 'em wanting more.
ReplyDeleteshalom,
Rochelle
HI Jess,
ReplyDeleteOuch, that had to hurt. I've heard the phrase, don't go into the light, but it seems equally perilous to go into the dark! Ron
Dark and sinister. I hope Rochelle is safe. For the sake of all of us! ;)
ReplyDeleteParul
Dark and intense. I want to know what happens next. What has she fallen into? I'm scared for her.
ReplyDelete"Some inner sense warns" -- that phrase reminded me of a line from one of my favorite poems:
ReplyDelete"They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude"
Although in this case it's obviously not as pleasant as gazing upon daffodils.
Well done!
Some wonderful descriptive phrasing in there. Well done.
ReplyDelete