Sunday, April 29, 2012

Six Sentence Sunday: A Near Thing


I decided to use one of my favorite snippets from my YA manuscript DWARFED for this week's Six Sentence Sunday.
Links to all the fantastic people participating in this weeks Six Sentence Sunday can be found here.

Fingertips brush my cheek, prompting me to open my eyes, and stare into his and my response dries up in my throat as my heart slams painfully against my ribs in an unfamiliar but glorious rhythm. Unbidden, my gaze slides down his face, pausing at his mouth, and I wonder if his lips can really be as soft as they look.
Straw pokes at the back of my neck and tugs at my hair as my eyes close and I shift closer to Luke, lifting my face to his.
            Something wet latches onto my chin, sucking with so much force, it feels like half of my face will slip from my skull.
            Luke’s laughter fills the small room as he picks up the tiny pig, cradling her against his chest with one hand, and reaching for me with the other. “I guess she was worried about you.”




56 comments:

  1. I like the 'unexpected visitor' in this six!

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    1. Me too! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it!

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  2. Hi Jess, I really enjoyed your six! They are very well attuned to one another - that's something I really admire! The first sentence is heavy though, as an opening, and it takes away from the ease of the whole paragraph, if that makes sense. Really looking forward to reading more of your stories. :)

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    1. I think DasNuk is right. I like this six but something about it held me back and I think it's that first sentence. Perhaps put a period after "...open my eyes" and go right to "Unbidden...". Even though I like "my response dried up in my throat" ... sometimes you have to kill your darlings, right? You can probably use it elsewhere. Looks good, though. Perfect balance of romance and fun for YA, IMO. :)

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    2. I tend to agree with both of you about the first sentence. I think a big part of the problem has to do with the fact that not only did I pull my 6 straight from the middle of an action sequence, but also lobbed off the real start of the paragraph. I'm going to take a peek at the entire section again and see if that's the case.

      Thanks to both of you for your advice. I love advice like that. I trust it so much more than straight up compliments, which tend to make me suspicious. I'm weird that way.

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  3. I used to raise pigs. They are such sweet animals. I love that you added a piglet into this, and that picture is adorable! Lovely six, Jess.

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  4. Dana and Kyoko covered my thoughts pretty well. So I will just add that I loved the way the piglet worked into the snippet--unannounced. Very funny way to break the mounting sexual tension in the scene! Nice six, Jess. :-)

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    1. Thanks for taking the time to read my snippet.

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  5. That is such a cute six. I really enjoyed your discriptions.

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  6. I love that you surprised me with the addition of a piglet. Charming but unconventional and I liked that about it. I love your voice. Well done!

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  7. LOL, great 6! Loved the shock of the pig and could imagine her shock expecting his kiss but getting that and the possibility it could be him until she opens her eyes? fun!

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    1. Thanks for taking the time to read it. It sounds like you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing this section.

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  8. Love it! Original! Keep it up...I'll be back next week =)

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    1. Glad you liked it and thanks for the suggestion!

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  9. Hehe. Very nice tease. Cute snippet. The first sentence is wonderful, but it feels like a run-on. I'd break it up. Right at "My response" would be a very natural place. Great six!

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    1. I'm going to break up the first sentence, and try to get the whole thing to blend just a little bit better. Thanks for the suggestion.

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  10. Oh, too funny. :-) Talk about a rude awakening!

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  11. Ah! Very cute throwing the pig in there, although I love the line about his lips being as soft as they look. Nice job!

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  12. I want that pig! This sounds like a cute, cute love story!!

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  13. LOL! That was great! Super six and I love the pic, too!

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  14. LOL! What a way to ruin the moment! Great six!

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    1. Thanks, I wanted something unorthadox.

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  15. I grew up on a farm and that scene was so true and real. Love it. Great six!

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    1. I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't been grateful I was raised a farm girl. Glad you liked my snippet

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  16. Great six, Jess. And that little pig certainly shifted the moood. :)

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  17. LMAO! Would you believe we just had piglets born Friday? LOL! Needless to say, that really brings your six to life for me. Sweet, tender six with a great ending!

    Sarah Ballance

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    1. I'm so jealous. There's nothing quite like piglets when it comes to cuteness. I haven't raised pigs since high school and can't believe how much I miss them. Someday I'm hoping to be in a position where I can get back into hogs.

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  18. How cute. Loved it. Who'd have guessed?

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  19. The pig caught me completely by surprise... I liked it. Well done.

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  20. ROFL! And there I was thinking he must be a really bad kisser and what a disappointment.

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    1. Oh my, that would have been bad. Glad you enjoyed it.

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  21. Aww, it was a pig! LOL I was going to comment on the first sentence too but it appears someone beat me too it. Great visualizations. :)

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  22. Hey, Jess ... I really like the vivid description and clever humor. Great scene!

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    1. Thanks so much. I had a great time writing this particular scene.

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  23. I know I am late...but I loved this six!

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