Sunday, February 3, 2013

2/3/13 Sunday snippet

It looks like one way or another, the tradition of posting Sunday snippets is going to hold strong. There's just some details that need to be ironed out. This week I'm sticking to the 6 sentence format, mostly because it worked nicely for this particular snippet.

Right now there's a Weekend Writer Warrior group with a linky list, and there's a 6 Sunday FaceBook group, for anyone who's interested in participating or seeing what others have written.

Anyhoo, this week's snippet, which I'm quite pleased with is from my YA manuscript, DWARFED. It picks up where last week's snippet left off. Thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to check it out. I truly appreciate how helpful everyone has been. The comments and friendly crits I've gotten have done wonders for my writing. Thanks!


I’m going to be accountable for the piglet’s life, a responsibility I’m positively not ready for. I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m not sure how much help or advice I can expect to get from Luke or anyone else. She’s already so far behind the eight ball and everyone thinks her chances of survival are slim, and Etna’s going to be watching my every move, waiting for me to fail.

The door swings open and Luke shoulders his way into the microscopic room. He holds some sort of silver light fixture in one hand, and cradles my sleeping piglet in the other.

My heart shivers and melts.



Source: google.com via Bonnie on Pinterest

46 comments:

  1. Oh bless the piglet!
    Right, now I've got my obligatory baby animal squeeing out of the way I shall attempt to be helpful:
    You repeat the word room twice in one sentence and it jars when I read it aloud. Was wondering whether it would sound better as
    "The door swings open and Luke shoulders his way into the microscopic storage room"
    But I can feel the anxiety in the snippet and I'm already ready one hundred percent behind both protagonist and piglet. I'm looking forward to seeing more of this.

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    1. Oh, good catch and thanks for pointing my overused work out :) I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

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  2. I think she can probably count on Luke's help and advice :) I love the final sentence. I hope the piglet survives.

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    1. I like that sentence as well, and I rarely say that about anything I write. I decided it was the perfect ending point for this week's snippet.

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  3. Interesting story! May I suggest a couple of things?
    1) The second sentence is peppered with too many "I"s. How about "I don't know what I'm doing and am not sure how much advice can be expected from Luke or anyone else." ?

    2) The third sentence seems a little long. How about splitting it into two? "...her chances of survival are slim. Etna's going to be watching...."

    That final sentence is perfect.

    Have a great Sunday :-)

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    1. Thanks for the tips. They're fantastic!

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  4. "My heart shivers and melts."

    I think mine just did, too. Warm and heartfelt 6! I'm so glad you're continuing posting those lovely snippets of Dwarfed!

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    1. I'm glad something was created to keep the Sunday posting habit alive and well. Thanks Dana. I really do love the premise of the story you posted this week and can't wait to read more.

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  5. I love the final sentence. It's lovely. I hope the little piggy makes it.

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    1. I'm glad you like it as much as I do. Thanks for stopping by.

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  6. Poignant! You caught her state of mind so well!! Great job :)

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  7. I love her feelings about the piglet - and theimage of Luke with the piglet too :-)

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  8. I can feel the anxiety in the snippet. And the final sentence-- perfect!

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  9. Awww...but she's right. He's heart melting worthy. So glad you're here so I can keep following the piglet's progress. :D

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    1. I'm glad such clever people came up with a method to keep this blog hopping thing going strong.

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  10. Shivers and melts.... Love that last bit! Great excerpt!

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  11. oh my goodness that was so heart warming. Great snippet. Glad to be back and read your stuff again. :-)

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  12. Awww. What a heartwarming moment. That Luke sounds like a keeper. "My heart shivers and melts." is my favorite line, too, because yup, so did mine. :)

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  13. Awwwwwww! That is sooooo sweet. I'd love to read more of this.

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  14. I think I'd melt at the sight of Luke too, the way you describe him! Really a sweet snippet...

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  15. Sounds like Luke's unexpectedly coming to the rescue. Nice six!

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  16. I love the image of the piglet being so small it fits in Luke's hand.

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  17. What a perfect way to put an end to those doubts! Piglets are completely irresistible. *grin*

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    1. I've been around lots of baby critters over the years, but there's something about piglets that's extra special. Thanks for stopping by.

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  18. Love the last line! And piglets...awwww!

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  19. A man holding a baby, either human or animal, is irresistible!

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  20. Gosh I love those little red piggies! I had some that looked like that, and a few that were red but with a Hampshire stripe. :) Great last line! Gotta love a man who will cradle a piglet!

    Optional idea: change "and everyone thinks her chances of survival are slim" to "that everyone thinks her chances..." to eliminate using "and" twice in the sentence. Not necessary, but helps it flow a bit better I think.

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  21. Aw I love that last line! Very nice.

    And because I'm having to do the same thing in my revisions at the moment, you may want to consider re-phrasing to avoid contractions in the narrator. Your publisher may not mind, but mine does. I'm finding that it's become a habit of how I write, and it's taking a long time to change. I also found that rephrasing to avoid contractions forced me to use stronger verbs.

    I hope you don't mind, but here is an example (though I was a bit liberal with interpretation). Just an idea. If you don't like it, feel free to toss any and all of the suggestions.


    This piglet's life will be my responsibility, but I am not ready. What am I doing? What help and advice can I expect from Luke or anyone else? This tiny, squirming pink creature is already far behind the eight ball, and everyone has already given up on her. How will I care for her when Etna will be watching my every move and waiting for me to fail?

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  22. Nice six, Jess!
    Keep up the good writing.

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  23. I don't know who the narrator is or why she's raising a pig, but I'm definitely rooting for her, and for its survival!

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  24. Aw, I think my heart just shivered and melted, too. That last line is so wonderful, Jess!

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  25. You *know* you've got your entire readership swooning over that piglet and Grace, doncha? :D

    It's a testament to your writing that I had no trouble remembering who Etna is, and can appreciate Grace's apprehension at being under Etna's magnifying glass.

    *good stuff*

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  26. Awww!

    I'm still doing Six on Sunday, but the monthly one organised by Skye Warren.

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  27. There's definitely something about a nurturing male. You can keep your alphas. Lovely - um - however many it was :)

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