Sunday, February 24, 2013

Some Romance, Alot of Creative Editing, and a Cute Piglet Rolled into a Single Sunday Snippet

I can't thank everyone enough for your wonderful advice last week regarding my snippet. You're a wonderful group of people, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

For anyone who might  be stopping by for the first time. I post snippets from my YA work-in-progress titled Dwarfed which features the antics of Grace, Luke and a precocious piglet. It's set on a working hog farm. Be sure to check out the talented writers who have posted writing samples this week. Links to their sits can be found at the Weekend Writing Warrior website or the Facebook group.

This week's snippet picks up where last week's drops off. I confess, I had to use some creative editing and comma placement in order to stick to the #WeWriWa sentence restrictions. Still, I think it works. You wouldn't have like the natural stopping point ;D

             I can't breathe, it feels like my entire body has been squished flat and now matter how much I try, my lungs refuse to inflate. Luke uses the same elbow that sent me sprawling to lever his upper body away from mine, I sense him looking down at me.
             “Are you okay,” he asks, his voice shaking a little,“Grace?”
  Fingertips brush my cheek, prompting me to open my watering eyes, my response dies in my throat as my heart slams against my ribs in an unfamiliar but glorious rhythm. Unbidden, my gaze slides down his face, pausing at his mouth, and I wonder if his lips can really be as soft as they look.
Straw pokes at the back of my neck as Luke's slide under the back of my skull, my eyes close and I shift closer to Luke, lifting my face to his.
            Something wet latches onto my chin, sucking with enough force, I clap one hand across the front of my face. pressing my fingertips and palm against my cheeks, hoping to prevent the skin from getting Hoovered off, while using my free hand to blindly shove at the strangely shaped object.
            Luke’s laughter fills the small room as he presses his fingers against the corner of the piglet's jaw, disengaging it from my chin before scooping her up and cradling her against his chest with one hand, and reaching for me with the other. 

  

70 comments:

  1. tehehe aww your snippets are always so endearing and cute and so romantic. Love following your story xx

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  2. Vacuumed by a piggie . . . how romantic is that? XD

    Awesome passage!

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  3. "...reaching for me with the other."

    You saved the best line for last.
    Nicely done!

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  4. Definitely one of the most adorable interruptions to "the moment" I've ever read. This story is precious!

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  5. Precious!! Who knew it'd be a little piglet! I love your snippet!

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  6. I can see where you had to get creative with commas but it makes sense to keep this whole part together - the ending just wraps it up so nicely! I can just picture that piglet rushing across the floor and thinking "Oh no, Grace-mom needs a kiss!"

    Your writing is so visual without being overwhelming; it's great! :D

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    1. That's exactly the issue I ran into. I liked my sentences, but when I broke this snippet into two weeks, I felt it lost some of it's punch. At least I had two extra sentences to play with ;)trying to manage this in six would have been more than my talent could handle.

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  7. Aw that picture is ADORABLE!!! Sorry that I missed the rounds last week. I kept meaning to catch up, but now it's already Sunday again. I like the part about your lungs refusing to inflate.

    I understand the creative with comma thing, but *cough* I think it's better to sneak in an extra sentence or two if they are only one or two words.

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    1. Thanks Ana :)I thought about cheating a few time.

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  8. Nice descriptions!

    And now I want a piglet. ;D

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  9. Oh it figures the piglet would insert himself (herself?) into this moment fraught with possibilities! I am thoroughly enjoying this story - another excellent excerpt!

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    1. It's a gilt(her)though I don't think that bit of info has managed to make it into any of the snippets I've posted. Thanks!

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  10. That's great! How fun! Your commas worked, and this is from a professional copy editor. ;)

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  11. The creative punctuation use worked :) Loved this excerpt

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    1. ThankS, Zee. I was hoping it would. I tried keeping things as smooth as possible.

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  12. Aw that's lovely! What an engaging picture you paint!

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  13. Awe, lolol! Poor Grace. I thought, along with her, that the BIG moment was here. THE kiss was about to happen. Danged little piglet.

    Wonderful writing, wonderful snippet, Jess!

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    1. Thank you Teresa, I'm pleased with how this snippet turned out, and I rarely say that about anything I've written.

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  14. snippet worked perfectly and pet piglet? too funny

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  15. Gotta love the piglet and very lovely writing. Just so sweet and makes me want to read the whole thing. :-)

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    1. Thanks. Now I just gotta hope the ABNA judges feel the same :)

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  16. Loved it. But if the piglet was hunting a nipple, wouldn't the tip of her nose have been more its size? (Plus adding to her difficulty breathing.)

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    1. You're probably right, but I can't quite figure out the choreography to make that visual work. For what it's worth when I had pigs, they pretty much seemed to latch onto whatever they could find (foals seem to follows the same type of thinking)

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  17. Loved this scene. Such a sweet moment between the two, interrupted by piglet antics! Very amusing. Just a small point, you seem to be missing a word in this sentence: "Straw pokes at the back of my neck as Luke's slide under the back of my skull" Luke's hand?

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    1. Yep, that's definitely supposed to say hand. Thanks!

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  18. Awesome! Comic relief in the middle of a touching scene. You're a writer after my own heart for sure. Can't wait to read more!

    ~Joyce Scarbrough

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  19. The piglet needs attention to. LOL. Ah, this was a cute and touching scene!!

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  20. Love this line: "my heart slams against my ribs". :-) Too bad the piglet had to spoil the moment, but, it looks like just a temporary interruption. The commas worked well. Looking forward to the next instalment.

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  21. Oh, the piglet. So, so cute. Poignant and funny at the same time.

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  22. Sweet and funny and endearing. It makes getting 'kissed by a pig' seem almost lovely! I hadn't heard any of this before and I like Luke a lot from this snippet, those last lines show him as loving and caring.

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  23. Grace is such a lovely character. You've really got her voice down beautifully.

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  24. I love the piglet! I once had a puppy suck on my chin, sadly there was no good-looking boy around so it wasn't an interruption.

    Two small points. 1) Luke's hand(s) slide(s) under the back of Grace's skull. 2) He disengages the piglet's mouth from Grace's chin. As it's written now it could read that he's disengaging it, the jaw, or it, the piglet. Not a problem except that in the latter case you're then calling the piglet "it" instead of "her," where later in the sentence you use "her."

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  25. The sweet little piglet did it. Too cute, but I bet that's not her thought right now. Fun snippet.

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  26. A sweet moment gone awry by a hungry piglet. Great snippet, Jess. :)

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  27. What a wonderful scene! I love it! Congrats on your edits to meet the requirements, but I think you may have deleted a word in:

    Straw pokes at the back of my neck as Luke's XX slide under the back of my skull, my eyes close and I shift closer to Luke [I'd make his HIM rather than Luke], lifting my face to his.

    Lovely.

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  28. I love this! And I adore your piglets :-)

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  29. How cute is that and so natural. I can see that really happening. And piglets are so cute how could you really be mad at one even thought it stole the kiss you hoped from elsewhere. Well done.

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  30. Love this! A great moment between them, and then the piglet intervenes. The final sentence is wonderful!

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  31. Aaawwww, this is adorable! I'm loving this story. What a unique trio...what WILL they get up to??? :)

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    1. Thank you. Unique is what I was going for :)

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  32. Huggable and a welcome change. Just super. Loved this extract

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