Sunday, February 17, 2013

This Week's Sunday Snippet and #WeWriWa Contribution

Welcome to yet another Sunday everyone. As I was posting this week's snippet, I realized I'm not very happy with this particular collection of sentences, they feel awkward and stilted, but they're what I've got.
 
Luke misses a rung, his boot slips and he over balances. My heart climbs into my throat as the sudden change in weight causes the ladder to rock from side to side. Acting on instinct, I quickly set the piglet on the ground and rush towards him. I reach out, grabbing the cold steel, trying to steady the ladder. His flailing elbow clips my chin, snapping my head backwards with enough force I see stars. My knees buckle and I crash to the straw covered ground just in time to cushion his fall.


 If you're visiting for the first time and find yourself completely confused. I've compiled all of my DWARFED snippets into one post which can be found right here

Take some time and check out the offical Weekend Writing Warriors list. There's several very talanted writers taking part this week. In addition to the WeWriWa list there's also a FaceBook group.

Thanks so much for taking the  time to read my snippet. 

EDIT- I just realized today is the start of National FFA week. Throughout high school I was a member of my school's FFA chapter and can't even begin to describe the different ways the organization worked to shape me into the person I eventually became. It's a spectacular and unique organization.   I'm delighted that not only did Dodge create a super bowl advertisement that not only honored farmers, but which was also set up in such a manner it benefits FFA.  If you haven't watched it yet, you need to. Not only is it an amazing peice, with each viewing a donation is made to a worthy cause. 

46 comments:

  1. Jess, I like it. I didn't feel the "awkward and stilted" when I read it. I had an excellent visual. lol I really like Grace. And I love the last few words in that last sentence--excellent delivery. Glad she was there for Luke to land on.

    Nice snippet. :-)

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  2. Hmmm, a painful experience you're describing but I thought the excerpt was fine. I was able to visualize the action and I sure winced at the end!

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  3. I thought it read just fine. It's an action sequence. Don't worry :-)

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    1. Thanks. Lesson learned. When I'm not sure about something, I need to ask. Clearly my opinion isn't always to be trusted.

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  4. The only awkward part was for your characters, knowing they're going to fall off a ladder.:)

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  5. I saw a couple spots where some tightening would improve the flow a little but nothing drastic. Overall it's a neat snippet. I sense Grace's surprise and worry when the ladder rocks, and by the end, I'm not only a bit worried about the two of them but I'm giggling too at my mental image of the scene. And what about the piglet!

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    1. Thanks, I'm glad you like it. I promise the piglet plays a big part in either the next snippet, or maybe the one right after. I haven't counted the sentences yet.

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  6. I didn't feel it was awkward or shifted. It seems like the fall is cushioned so they won't get hurt. I thought it was done well and felt the tension from the rocking ladder. Great snippet.

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  7. I'm not a big fan of present tense first person, but it read fine, including the element of comedy. Good job!

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    1. Truthfully, I'm not either, especially since I'm still finding entire chunks of manuscript where I flop back and forth between past and present tense. However, there was a point, I think it was between the third and 4th draft that I realized this character needed to tell the story in present tense. Thanks for stopping by :)

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  8. Didn't feel awkward or stilted to me either. It feels in the moment and gives me a sense of urgency, but almost like I'm watching it all happen in slow motion. Excellently done. I can't wait to see what happens next. :)

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  9. I'm with Owllady - a few parts could do with tightening.

    Otherwise it's a really nice scene - love how she cushions his fall. Very cute. And funny! Really enjoying your snippets - so cute with the little piglet.

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  10. I take it the ladder was shorter than the one in the picture, for his elbow to have clipped her chin! Would the ladder have rocked, or just started to slide sideways?

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    1. Yep, it's a short, metal utility ladder. The picture amused me.

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  11. There's nothing like getting the wind knocked out of you by a handsome man to create a bond . . . :D

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  12. I really like the action in this snippet, Jess. There was great energy in it. Nicely done. :)

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  13. Actually I thought your snippet was well done, especially towards the end.. I think I'd rethink the "acting on instinct" part, because reflecting on why someone acts a certain way usually doesn't happen "in the action"..But maybe that's just me :) Other than that: I like it! :)

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    1. That was one of the lines I kept going back and forth about when I was editing. Thanks!

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  14. I liked it, but would she set the pig down on drop him?

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    1. I know where you're coming from, and all I can say is this, when I've been in similar situations where I've needed to move fast and I've had a critter in my hand, I usually set the animal down.

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  15. I'm definitely sensing their awkward feelings, you've painted it very well.

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  16. I like it, but maybe shorter sentences would increase the tension and actions? Just a suggestion!

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  17. I have no suggestions. But I'm really looking forward to next week's eight when we see the aftermath of the fall(s).

    I have what might be an odd question: in your area was there any rivalry between the FFA kids and the 4-H kids? I don't know that there was around here, but that might make a great plot for a novel.

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    1. It's a good question, and you're right, it would be a good plot. In my county there were several 4-H clubs and 2 FFA chapters and everyone got along, though in my school I think only two of us were in both. It didn't hurt that both FFA advisers also happened to lead my 4-H club. The biggest dispute I remember from my youth was the constant, and sometimes nasty, battle between the livestock people and the horse people.

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  18. Oh my gosh. First a hit to the face and then he lands on her. Not a very good day at all. I hope the piglet scattered and stayed out of the fray! (I have also found I put the animals down, or at least "drop" them within a foot of the ground so they won't be hurt.)

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    1. Thanks Sarah, you're right about the foot of the ground. And thanks for backing me up on the dropping thing, it's interesting how living thing triggers a completely different subconcious reaction than holding something that's inanimate which I'd drop, most likely directly on my foot.

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  19. Oh wow! Talk about up close and personal! Love the visual you've created here!

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  20. I didn't think it was awkward, but a bit of dialogue wouldn't hurt. Maybe a shout for help or warning.

    ~Joyce Scarbrough

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  21. Nice snippet...sounded good in my head :)

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  22. Scenes like this are best written from experience.
    Nice 8!

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  23. I liked the snippet and agree that maybe some dialogue might help smooth it out a bit. Looking forward to reading next week!

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  24. Oh wow, I was worried about Luke falling. You had me intrigued. Thank you so much for coming over and visiting my blog.

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