Saturday, August 6, 2016

WeWriWa Snippet for 8/7/16



I can’t say I’m starting a new WIP, since this one has actually been in the works for about a year (though not much actual writing seems to have happened during that time frame) but it is the first time I’ve made it a part of the WeWriWa blog hop. The working title is Shattered Glass. It’s a contemporary project inspired by a blog post I read a few years back.

Even though I’ve rewritten the opening a few dozen times now, and it has gotten a little better each time, I’m still not happy with it, so if anyone has any suggestions, don’t be afraid to share them. Thanks!

By the time Harlow Kynestov accepted the fact that no matter how many times she paced around the little cabin she’d rented, she wasn’t going to get any cell phone service and made the short trek from the cabin to the micro town of Sun Spot Wyoming, only one of Sun Spot’s three businesses, the Elk Snort Bar and Grill, remained open. This would have been fine if it had looked like a reputable establishment, but with its half burned out neon sign, cracked siding, dirty windows, and weed choked parking lot, Harlow thought it looked like exactly the kind of place a horde of chainsaw wielding, homicidal mountain men would prefer.
It wasn’t the type of place she ever wanted to step foot in. Just standing in the parking lot was closer than she wanted to be.
Harlow stared at her cell phone and willed the little icon to announce there was signal. It didn’t have to be strong, just enough to place one, maybe two phone calls, and she’d be happy.
            Luck wasn’t on her side. She shouldn’t have expected it to be. Nothing about today, or the past six months for that matter, had gone right, why should things change now?
            “I didn’t even know places still existed that didn’t get cell phone signal,” she muttered to herself.

17 comments:

  1. She definitely is not comfortable with her surroundings and feeling cut-off from the outside world isn't making anything better.
    Sounds like she might be a big city gal in a small town for the first time.

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  2. Well I really liked the snippet - all the description made me feel like I was there too and her dilemma is very relatable. Plus it left me wanting to know what was going to happen! So... great excerpt!

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    1. Thanks, Jean! I'm excited about getting back into this project, and thrilled that you like the description.

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  3. This reads like fun and fun it will be.

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  4. This is a great opening- I'm immediately drawn into her predicament and I can see the bar oh-so-well. Since you asked, my one suggestion would be to break that first long sentence into two, or even three shorter lines.

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    1. Thanks, I'm inclined to agree with you about the first sentence. It's so long! I just haven't figured out a way to properly break it down and still maintain a fluidity that I like.

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  5. I love the description of the Elk Snort Bar and Grill - I feel like I've seen places like that myself, and I wouldn't want to go in them either. Great snippet!

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  6. You've accurately described some Wyoming micro-towns I've seen. (That's a great term for them) And I think Wyoming is also one of the few states left with HUGE areas that have no cell signal. I have some at this moment, but only because I'm close to Evanston. :-)

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  7. Elk Snort Bar—I love it! And it totally sounds like someplace where there's no cell service. Great snippet!

    ~Joyce Scarbrough

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  8. Fun snippet. You really get a sense of place. And I love the name of the story and the protagonist.

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  9. Hey, I think I used to live in this town, or at least its mirror image across the border. All in all, this is a great evocation of a one-elk town.

    You ask for suggestions, though, so here goes. That first sentence is long, which might be fine in the middle of page one, but which is a bit of a mouthful for an opening. May I suggest that you start instead with "Only one of Sun Spot’s three businesses..."? The search for cell phone coverage is implied by your last line, and we do need to know immediately where she's staying.

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    1. That should be "do NOT need to know immediately." Dumb stupid fingers don't know how to type.

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  10. Your opening promises a bit of humor in your story. Any drive into the mountains around where I live will put cell service in jeopardy. That's usually a little uncomfortable for "townies", folks who don't understand that "country" really means off the grid. :D

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  11. You painted a vivid picture of the place in your snippet, but I did find the first line very long and even a bit confusing. Other than that, great snippet!

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  12. Now that's some boondocks! Great snippet!

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