Sunday, April 22, 2012

There's Something about Farm Boys :) Six Sentence Sunday

 My selection for this weeks six sentence Sunday.



My eyes drift upwards, gliding across what seems like endless acres of hard muscle and tanned skin and the most impressive set of arms I’ve ever seen before finally meeting hazel eyes.
            Several seconds pass before I remember how to breathe. “You shouldn’t sneak up on people.” Ungluing my tongue from my soft palate and forming the words is a Herculean task.
            “I didn’t sneak up on you.”  Luke shifts, adjusting the heavy bag of grain slung over his shoulder to a more comfortable position, and the corner of his mouth lifts in a cocky smile. 

Mmm, farm boys :)

32 comments:

  1. Hi Jess, I like your Six, I immediately sided with the narrator, not an easy thing to accomplish within 6 sentences. :)

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    1. Thanks so much time for checking out my six!

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  2. Lovely excerpt. You totally hook your reader :)

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    1. Ah, thanks so much, you're very sweet.

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  3. Hi, Jess. It *IS* tough picking just the right six. I enjoyed yours. As for your question about the second paragraph, I would add a sentence or two--especially since you aren't worried about just six sentences in an edit. ;-)

    I might word this paragraph something like this:

    Several seconds pass before I remember how to breathe. Ungluing my tongue from my soft palate and forming the words is a Herculean task. I have to swallow--twice--before the words squeak out. “You shouldn’t sneak up on people.”

    Just an idea. Well done six without my meddling!

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    1. Thanks so much. The meddling always appreciated, one of the main reasons I decided to start participating in the Sunday Six was to get some help with my writing. Thanks so much for the help. I'm definitely going to consider your suggestion.

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  4. Nice suggestion from Silver, to add something to extend how she manages to get those words out.

    Six rocks; I admire authors who can first in 1st and do it well. Great job!

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    1. Thanks for taking the time to read my six!

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  5. I love your description of him... he sounds yummy! :) And I agree with Silver too - getting the palette unglued before the words. :) Great six.

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    1. Thanks! Glad you enjoyed, and I completely agree.

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  6. Great 6! And Silver's suggestion is spot on. Especially since the way it currently is has the description of how hard it was to speak following the action of speaking. Unconsciously that probably is what made you feel like something was 'off' with that graf. I constantly have to remind myself to do edit sweeps on my own work for action sequences to make sure I'm placing them in the right order :)

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  7. I got a great visual :-) I am in no way the grammar police, so maybe it is just me --anyone, chime in here :-) In this sentence "...I’ve ever seen before finally meeting..." something seems to not flow right. Maybe it needs a partial stop or even a full stop--dividing it into two sentences? I read it as comparing the impressive nature of muscular arms--every time you meet hazel eyes. That is as opposed to this one incident, one time of 'meeting hazel eyes'. If you know what I mean?

    All in all, great six. :-)

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    1. I've been going back and forth about that same spot for months, and still can't decide. I love the words and the visual, but the punctuation feels off. On the other hand, when I try adding the punctuation that doesn't feel right either. I knew I should have paid more attention in school.

      Thanks for taking the time to read, comment, and trying to offer some assistance on this Six. I really, truly appreciate it.

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    2. Try adding a comma after "seen" and add the word "his" before "hazel eyes." That might help.

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    3. Awesome, I'll try that. Something needs to smooth that bit out. Thanks!

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  8. Love the description as well. And I love his reaction, that sexy grin. Yummy. Great six!

    That second paragraph, I'd put the dialogue at the end of the internals. This sentence: "Ungluing my tongue from my soft palate and forming the words is a Herculean task." Seems to go better with the first.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for the insight. I'm loving that my instincts were on when I thought that paragraph wasn't working, and I'm really loving all the phenomenal advice I've gotten today.

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  9. There's nothing like cocky farm boys. ;)

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  10. Ah, farm boys! This brings back memories. Good work, Jess.

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  11. A lovely six! I like how you described him then backed it up with the image of him toting around this heavy sack of grain and a cocky grin. Silver's right, expanding it a bit will only add to the great visual you given us.

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    1. Yeah, I'm going to take her advice and tweak it. Thanks for stopping by.

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  12. Well, isn't he yummy. :) I like the description of him in the first paragraph, but the last one shows just how impressive he is when he adjusts that bag of grain.

    And I sympathize with trying to find the right six to post. I must have gone through about 5 or more last night before I made up my mind!

    Donna

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    1. Thanks! It took awhile for us to see eye to eye, but I've grown increasingly fond of Luke with each version of this story. I'm glad you like him!

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  13. I'd put the "ungluing my tongue" before the "You shouldn't sneak up on people." And I'd put Luke's actions before his line as well.

    Fun six, Jess. :)

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    1. Thanks for stopping by, and an even bigger thanks for the helpful advice :D

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  14. I have a sudden urge to go and find a farm :) Great six.

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