Sunday, April 21, 2013

Weekend Writing Snippet

Wow, I've been a very bad blogger this week. I'm blaming the fact that it's rained, hard, for the past few two weeks which means lots and lots of mud, which has added hours of extra work to each day. I'm ready for a few weeks of sunshine. 

Thanks to great groups like Weekend Writing Warriors and Sunday Snippet, the weekend has become the perfect opportunity for writers to get together and show off samples of thier writing.

This week, my snippet is from a gothicy historical project I've recently started working on.



            Rachel did the natural thing. She screamed.
            The sound barely slipped past her lips, when a strong hand clamped across her lower face, the pressure grinding her lips against her teeth. His foot banged against her ankles, sweeping her feet off the ground. He followed her fall, forcing her forward off her knees and onto her stomach. His knees pressed into her back, pinning her to the rain slick grass and making it impossible to draw a breath, as he replaced his hand with a foul tasting gag. A second later her arms were pulled together, several loops of tightly knotted rope connecting her wrists.  Her captor stood and yanked her to her feet before picking her up and tossing her over his shoulder, knocking the wind out of her.
 

Thanks for stopping by!

25 comments:

  1. Will I be forgiven if I admit that I miss Luke and the piglets? :)

    I was a little bit confused about the foot banging against her ankles and sweeping her off the ground. Do you mean that he kicked or tripped her to make her fall?

    Nice job! Poor Rachel.

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    1. I miss Luke and the piglets too, but it was time for a little break. She was tripped, sorry for the confusion.

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  2. Haha--I miss Luke and Grace too. :-)

    I like it Jess. Really, really great action writing.

    I agree with governinggana's comment. I'd add that using "banged" seems to have more of an audible connotation. My brain was trying to hear a sound from the foot meeting ankles. Does that make any sense?

    Slammed, maybe?

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    1. I'm incline to agree with both you and Ana, banged wasn't my best word choice. That's what rewrites are for :) Thanks for the suggestion!

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  3. Well, there's an efficient man! Wonder what he'll do with her, now? :)

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  4. I miss Luke and the piglets, too. lol

    This definitely has my attention. I'm wondering who he is, what he wants and how on earth she's going to get free. Really feeling for her hear!

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  5. I'm a first time visitor and now all I can think about is "who are Luke and the Piglets?"

    The icky rag in her mouth makes me want to go brush my teeth. Very scary. Now I wonder what will happen next.

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    1. LOL, I wrote a YA manuscript that has a farm boy, Luke, and is set on a pig farm. I spent the past year posting about it but felt it was time for a break.

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  6. That guy does come across as efficient! Was he following her or waiting for her? Or something else? Lots of questions that make me really curious!!

    Thought: It seemed to me that you started the scene (not just this snippet) pretty firmly in Rachel's POV. Today, when you get to the last couple of sentences, to me they seem to shift to more of a narrator's POV, telling us what's happening rather than letting us share Rachel's experience of it like you did earlier.

    For an early draft, though, you do a good job of being spooky and making me want to help Rachel out of this mess.

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  7. I loved the "lips grinding against her teeth" bit. I could literally feel that and immediately ran my tongue over my teeth to stop the sensation. I love the intensity. Pow, Pow, Pow. One thing after the next. Nicely done, Jess!

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  8. Great description, but, yikes!

    A couple of commentors mentioned being confused about the fourth sentence, where his foot bangs against her ankles--I actually thought this was perfect, I could totally visualize the action as I read it. Just my two cents on that. :)

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  9. Nice fast action. He literally sweeps her off her feet! Panic and struggling against his broad shoulders will only tick this guy off, methinks. Well done!

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  10. Yikes! Seems like Rachel is in a lot of trouble. Looking forward to the next instalment. Like Karla Doyle, I understood the ankle banging; even visualized it.

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  11. Oh dear, not a good development but I'm definitely intrigued and wnat to read more now. Terrific snippet!

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  12. Sounds like whatever she was running from, she's run into something worse.

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  13. Fabulous show of all the movement. I had no trouble following and it was terrorizing. Well done.

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  14. Wow, great action here, and of course we all want to know more now, Jess!

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  15. Oh no, she's captured! Way to jump into the excitement. Nice snippet.

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  16. Nice snippet. Really grabs the reader.

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  17. Remind me not to meet up with this dude in a dark alley... He's very good at what he does, apparently..

    Great work Jess!

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  18. I thought this was terrifying and vivid. I could see every action described. Great snippet!

    ~Joyce Scarbrough

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  19. Nice snippet.
    Here's a thought...
    The narrator tells us that her abductor is a "he."
    Unless the story line that precedes this sample makes it obvious, it would be a nice mystery to leave it unknown to the reader for a while who or what sex the captor might be.

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  20. I can practically see you acting out this scene in the middle of a room to get the details right. Nice descriptive language. Very tactile. I've often read action scenes where any real analysis revealed that it couldn't have happened that way. This read more like a movie scene (in a good way).

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