Sunday, May 25, 2014

#WeWriWa Snippet for 5/25/14 Rendezvous with Destiny Part 2

Hi! I hope everyone in the United States has a fun and safe holiday weekend. Don't forget to take a moment to honor those who served in the military. For those who don't live in the U.S. I hope you also have a fantastic weekend.

I can't thank everyone enough for all the wonderful advice they offered regarding the snippet I posted last week. Every bit of advice I got was golden and went a long way to improve the overall quality of the snippet. Thanks so much.

This week I'm posting another snippet from my pre-WWII, YA, (wow that's a lot of capital letters),friends to lover WIP, Rendezvous with Destiny. The story is still in the very early stages of first draft and has a million rough edges, but I'm having a great time exploring the time period. When you finish reading this snippet, don't forget to check out the WeWriWa list.

Please pardon the creative editing, I didn't want to end the snippet in the middle of a paragraph.



David ran his fingers over his head. “I’m sorry, there was an emergency in the barn and it took longer than expected.”

“Mmm, I suppose I should be glad you’re not even later.” 
Rosika tucked a pale green ribbon between the pages before closing the book before turning her attention to David.

The world went topsy-turvy. Instead of the skinny, freckle faced girl who’d been his best friend for the past eleven years, he seemed to have come face to face with the real life version of Gladys George, the actress he’d admired ever since he and his buddies managed to sneak into the local cinema and catch an afternoon showing of the Maltese Falcon.
Discovering the skinny, freckle faced girl he'd known for more than half his life had somehow morphed into a stunning dame made David's stomach hurt. He didn't want her to be beautiful, he wanted her to be the same girl who'd always been his best friend. 

In other news, Chip Eiter invited me to participate in a Paying it Forward blog hop. I'll be posting my contribution tomorrow and one of the things I have to do is tag three writers who are than supposed to create a post and tag three more writers. I love these types of blog hops, but never know who to tag, I hate the idea of bothering people who might not have time to participate. So, I've decided to do this, if you want to take part, use the comment section to let me know, and tomorrow I'll tag you in my post. Questions the Paying it Forward blog hop explores include;

  • What am I working on? 
  • How does my work differ from others of its genre? 
  • Why do I write what I write? 
  • How does my writing process work?

Thanks! 

18 comments:

  1. Great scene as David is panicked that his friend has been replaced by a siren. And where might that leave him? :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sorry about the weird formatting, I did something odd, but haven't figured out how to fix it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, time doesn't stand still, does it? I loved the way you convey his shock about her "becoming a dame" as reality sets in. Tiny nit (because you did say you were still working on this?) "before closing the book before turning her attention..." seemed awkward maybe? I really liked the period details about "Maltese Falcon". This will be an interesting story to follow. Great 8!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I fought with that sentence for about ten minutes before I finally posted this snippet. It felt clunky to me, but I couldn't figure out how to make it better but ran out of ideas. Thanks so much for the suggestion!

      Delete
  4. I like the premise, just from what I've read. Wonderful time period--and lots of research to get it right. :-)

    This jumped out at me on first read: "the skinny, freckle faced girl" twice so close together felt too repetitive. Maybe a small change up?

    I really look forward to reading this. Jess. Somehow I missed this last week, so heading back on a bit to read the first part. :-)

    Have a wonderful weekend, enjoy the sunshine, and don't work too hard. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sigh ... I think there's going to be lots and lots of editing in future. Thanks for pointing out the repetitive phrase!

      Delete
  5. I agree with the editing comments. Take heed. Delicious era and so much to draw from. Use music, clothes etc. Love the premise.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not an era I'm particularly familiar with, which makes doing the research even more interesting. I'm loving having am excuse to listen to all the old big band standards. I'm having lots of fun, thanks!

      Delete
  6. Is this David's POV? If so, have her lift her eyes rather than turning her attention. Also too many "befores." Try "tucked a pale green ribbon between the pages and closed the book before lifting her eyes to David."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, and that's a marvelous piece of advice! Thanks, Sue!

      Delete
  7. Sounds like a great start to a good story, Jess. I noticed the repetition of "skinny, freckle faced girl" and suggest maybe taking the second one out entirely, and focusing on the "dame" that had taken her place in that sentence. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Love how flummoxed he is, good job!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Great snippet that describes the changes of growing up beautifully!
    As this is a YA I am not quite sure about him saying "turned into a stunning dame". I am not very familiar with the vocabulary of that time and I understand you are trying to remain true to the time, I am just not sure a contemporary teen would be able to connect to it. Just a thought;).

    ReplyDelete
  10. Love it! With all the above mentioned fixes in place it'll be stellar!

    ReplyDelete
  11. The editing suggestions have already been made above, one advantage of my coming late to the party (was away this past weekend). I like the awe in realizing how this girl has grown. While I think the moniker "dame" might be appropriate for the era it kind of jolted me - maybe doll would be a better choice, also era appropriate but has a bit more innocence to it. Good snippet.

    ReplyDelete
  12. It may be rough but it's clearly got a lot of promise :) I've been wondering how this story was coming along. I can already tell both of these characters are going to grab me!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Love when best friends become more. Great snippet!

    ReplyDelete