Wow, has it ever been a crazy spring! I don’t know about
you, but I could really use about 6 more hours in each day … or maybe just some
better time management methods. Anyway, after several weeks away, I’m finally
back in the WeWriWa loop, this time with a brand new YA novella, Rendezvous with Destiny. For a few months now,
I’ve had an idea for a pre-WWII story. I’ve had a couple of false starts, but
hadn’t had much luck getting it down on paper. Finally, on Tuesday, I decided
it was time to sit down and get serious about stringing words together, even
though I only have the vaguest idea where it’s going.
So, without further ado, here are the first 8 sentences. I
will warn you, this is a very rough first draft so please forgive any mistakes
and feel free to make suggestions.
October 18, 1941
The sight of the pretty blonde girl
sitting cross-legged on the hood of his battered Ford truck, a novel balanced
on her ankles made David grin and jump off the porch, landing on a small pile
of fallen leaves which crunched and turned to dust beneath his weight. He felt
his mom’s eyes burning a metaphorical hole in the back of his neck while she
watched him lope across the yard, but he didn’t care.
“Hey, Rosika,” he yelled. He lifted his
arm and drew back his arm, taking just a moment to pick a target point before
releasing the football he held. It arced in a perfect spiral, closing the
distance between him and Rosika, missing her nose by mere inches before
dropping out of sight on the far side of his truck.
David sensed, more than heard, Rosika’s
irritated sigh.
“Are you ready to go?”
“I was ready to go ten minutes ago,”
Rosika said, “which is the time we agreed to meet.”
Don’t forget to check out the great writers who have also
decided to participate in this week’s WeWriWa and Snippet Sunday blog hop.
There’s something for everyone.
Uh oh, he's late. Girls hate it when boys are late. I wonder what his excuse is? Nice descriptions of the scene and the characters are engaging.
ReplyDeletePretty day scene with a hint at their personalities. Good way to introduce us to Rosika and David.
ReplyDeleteI've read many times "Get rid of the which" Consider reworking the crunch of dried leaves w/o a which. Also the football arm So cute and graphic. You might have him lift the arm and draw it back instead of arm twice so close together. One more thought since you're right at the beginning. I can't picture her balancing a novel-better a book-on her ankle. Maybe just reading a book. Love the era and possibilities of transition as they age. Thanks, Jess.
ReplyDeleteI love the advice. Thanks so much!
DeleteGreat to see another #8sunday from you, Jess! You set the scene beautifully, it's a perfectly clear picture in my mind. I like both characters already! Rosika is a pretty name, too.
ReplyDeleteWhat you could do about using "arm" twice is to just drop the mention of lifting his arm; that part's not necessary to understand what he's doing. Sure hope you post more from this :)
I didn't sign up today, I'm just visiting!
Great advice! Thanks, Marcia!
DeleteI love that she's reading while she waits--and the whole exchange between them. Tells us quite a bit about their characters.
ReplyDeleteYou might want to drop "metaphorical" in the 'burning a hole' reference, though. It's such a standard phrase, people should know it's not an actual hole. Unless you have people with laser eyes later on, it's not necessary.
Oh, thanks so much!
DeleteI am not able to bring anything new to the above advice...it's all solid! I am liking her already!
ReplyDeleteLove the energy and exuberance in this snippet, and the way you already set up their conflicting personalities. Great eight!
ReplyDeleteYou can already tell so much about these characters and their relationship in the first eight sentences. Well done! One thing I would suggest is to shorten the first sentence, or turn it into two instead. It's very long and tends to take me out of the action instead of bringing me into it.
ReplyDeleteAre the hoods of Ford trucks of that era possible to sit on? Good start overall.
ReplyDeleteAgree with the above advice, the double arm thing gave me a hick-up while reading. As was said just his arm tossing the ball is enough without the lifting it. Not to worry though being a first draft. I'd go with the flow and let it ride baby!
ReplyDeleteGreat introduction. We really do see a lot about the two personalities already!
History Sleuth's Milk Carton Murders
He would have been in deep doo-doo if he'd hit her on accident. Well, further in it than he already is for being 10 minutes late! Great start.
ReplyDeleteKarysa already said it, I said uh-oh about his throwing the ball so close to her. Even without contact I would have been annoyed. You set everything up very well, his antics, Rosika's seriousness (reading while she waits) and the mother's obvious disapproval. Good snipper.
ReplyDeleteI don't have anything new to add. I love his response when he sees her and the way she reacts to his throw. Great dynamic.
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed the excerpt, could visualize the scene clearly from your description and I thought his throwing the ball so close to her gave us a nice insight into his character. Great 8!
ReplyDelete