This week I'm picking up where I left off and posting the third snippet from my WIP, Rendezvous with Destiny, a historical YA novella I'm tinkering with. It's supposed to be a Friends to Lovers style romance that's set a few months prior to the Bombing of Pearl Harbor. I'm having a blast researching the era.
Rendezvous is still in the first draft stage of things, so I apologize for the rough writing. I also apologize for the slightly creative editing.
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“David?”
Rosika’s voice, still colored with the
German accent she hadn’t lost, despite living in the United States for the past
eleven years, tugged him from his thoughts. He flashed his trademark smile.
“Let’s get out of here.”
Rosika slid of the truck’s rounded hood.
Caught between her sliding body and the stationary vehicle, her full skirt to
slide over her knees, revealing a flash of blue garter before bit of thigh
before she tugged it back into place.
David closed his eyes and swallowed hard.
Stop noticing how pretty she is, he
mentally berated himself, she’s Rosika, a
chum, nothing more.
And can't a chum be pretty? Or maybe he's not feeling chummy but more romantic? Great snippet.
ReplyDeleteThanks Gem :)
DeleteLovely, Jess. You did miss an F in "slid of the truck" but I think there are too many F's being thrown around nowadays anyway ;-)
ReplyDeleteTo me, "revealing a flash of blue garter before (a) bit of thigh" is a bit awkward; did you mean to use "before" there? Something like "and a bit of thigh" seems smoother. And could I suggest one more thing? I think you could drop "he mentally berated himself" because it's clear what he's doing. Still, if that's the style you want, it's not wrong at all.
First drafts can be awkward but you've drawn me in with this snippet :)
First drafts are brutal. (Which I'll continue to say right up to the time I start the next round, at which point I'll change my tune to 2nd drafts are the worse :) ) I can't thank you enough for all your help. You're suggestions are both spot on and greatly appreciated. Thanks, Marcia.
DeleteAh, boys, lol. Always getting bogged down with the details...
ReplyDelete"her full skirt to slide over her knees"... might need a little work. "her full skirt slid over her knees"?
I agree with Marcia, too many f's being thrown around these days, lol.
Great excerpt :)
Oh, I like your suggestion. I tinkered with that sentence this morning before posting and couldn't figure out how to put the image into words. Thanks so much!
DeleteEnjoying the story and your hero's confusion! I think the others mentioned the issues I saw in the snippet but it's certainly a good plot unfolding here. Great 8!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Veronica!
DeleteIdea is good, but that fourth paragraph definitely needs work, as others have indicated. And all f's are not bad. What would we do without fun?
ReplyDeleteVery nice little moment you've presented here. I get the feeling she won't be 'just a chum' for long. And the german accent hints at possible trouble to come.
ReplyDeleteLovely snippet that demonstrate his confusion and hormones;).
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to the blossoming romance, although knowing the time period of this piece worries me. Other posters caught the issues I found, but for a 1st draft it is good and conveys quite a bit.
ReplyDeleteOnly one favor I would like to ask, is it possible when you post next time that you use a larger font for your snippet - I don't know if that would make a difference but I do know I had to blow this up (magnification wise) in order to read it, and it was too nice to miss.
Everyone caught what I would have commented on. :-) I really like this, Jess. Has great a atmosphere already. Good details--like "the rounded hood". Certainly suggests an era in the automobile industry. :-)
ReplyDeleteToo cute. I agree with the above posts as to the fixes. You've got a cute little interaction going on that I'm looking forward to seeing more of : )
ReplyDeleteGreat little excerpt :) Very cute and flirty, and love the detail of the rounded hood. Small bit of worldbuilding there, great job!
ReplyDelete