The #PitchOn activities are underway. If you meant to enter
the workshops and lost track of the date, don’t panic. You still have time. You
only need two things, a completed YA manuscript that’s ready to be pitched to
agents, and a 50-70 word pitch to go along with it. Information about how to
enter can be found right here.
Do you want to know what you’re up against? You can check
out the other pitch’s that have been entered in the workshops by visiting the
host blogs.
Entering your pitch shouldn’t be your only interest, you
also need to wander around to the participating blogs and leave a comment. For every
comment you leave, you have a chance to receive a 10 page critique from one of
these great people.
To date, I’ve gotten 1 pitch.
IGNITE
YA Paranormal Suspense
70,000
In the care of WitWatch—a top-secret
witness protection bureau operated by supernatural agents—seventeen-year-old
Alison Summers and her fire-wielding Watcher are determined to discover who
murdered Ali’s grandmother and prove she’s not crazy. But, when a discharged
agent with an antibody to eliminate powers learns Ali possesses the element,
Water, she becomes next on his to-cure list.
I’m going to start off by saying that I like the idea behind
this story. Based on the premise, it’s something I would pick up and read.
However, and this is just my opinion, the pitch could still use some work. To me
it’s kind of muddled, and a tiny bit confusing. My favorite part of the pitch
is the final sentence, which seems to be the heart of the pitch, though I’m not
sure about starting the sentence with but. I think it would be just as good if
you started with when a discharged.
My big
problem with this pitch is the first sentence. I think it needs to be
rewritten. This is just my opinion, but I think you could drop the part about
WitWatch, and launch into how Alison Summers is trying to solve the mystery of
her grandmother’s murder, and add a few words about how she’s going about it,
and the challenges she’s encountering, attach that to your current second
sentence, and have a powerful pitch.
Good luck!
Hello,
ReplyDeleteThis is a really great pitch and also a wonderful critique Jess.
I have a couple suggestions:
1) Like Jess mentioned, I would maybe leave out the information about WitWatch completely or move it further into the pitch. That information felt a little unimportant to me but my attention was grabbed when we got past that to talking about the protagonist.
2) speaking of the protagonist, I would maybe try to fit in a little more taste of the character. You did an excellent job setting up the situation but I didn't get much feel for her personality (though I realize it is really difficult to do in 70 words and trust me I am no expert ;)
3) it seemed like the way her ability to handle water was worded a bit oddly. I rework that a little.
My favorite thing about this pitch i learning that she can control water, that is exciting information. The idea sounds really neat. Good luck to you :)
Thanks SO much for the feedback!! I've revised a bit based on both comments/critiques.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you think about this?...
Seventeen-year-old Alison Summers is branded with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after her grandma’s death: a murder she witnessed. But no one believes that part. Except WitWatch—a top-secret witness protection bureau. And Ali and her fire-wielding Watcher are determined to find the killers and prove she’s not crazy. When a rogue agent with an antibody to eliminate supernatural abilities learns Ali possesses a power over Water, she’s next on his to-cure list.
I know it's a bit long and probably needs more work...so I will keep tweaking!
I need some time to think about your changes. My first impression is that it's a great deal clearer than your first pitch, and at 72 words you're only two words over the maximum word count. I'll get back to you after my brain has had some time to mull over your changes. I really do like the idea behind this story.
DeleteOkay, one of the reasons for the delay was I needed to check with some other writers about using but & and for the start of sentences. The general consensus was that when it comes to pitches you should avoid using them.
DeleteI understand that WitWatch is important to your story, but based on your pitches, I'm not sure that you need to include them in your pitch. I'm also not convinced you need to mention the watcher. My advice would be to try to write your pitch in such a way that emphasizes why everyone thinks Alison is crazy, and try to build on some of the tension between her and the rouge agent. I know, it's easier said than done, good luck. I'm more than happy to read any other variations you come up with. I think you have a great idea.
Here is my 2 cents, for what it's worth. I just love the premise and hope you can tighten this pitch because it will be amazing, I'm sure:)
ReplyDeleteAllison Summers is traumatized after witnessing her grandmother's murder. But she hasn't gone crazy like everyone says. She is determined to find the killer. Her destiny is hampered by the antibodies discovered to cure her elemental power of Water.
Well, that just sounds bad, but maybe you can add the right plot details that I don't know! I hope it gives you an idea of how to stream line things. The suggestions I received for my pitch was to include the:
Opening event/the change which comes into her life
The GOOD change that happens along with drawbacks
The removal of the change and the BAD which will now happen because of it.
Hope this helps! My pitch is up on 2000 Words at:
http://www.paradoxgrl.blogspot.com/2012/10/pitch-on-workshop-memories-of-me.html
Thank you for ALL the feedback. I will be revising and posting soon!! =)
ReplyDeleteThanks for all of the help so far from everyone who has commented. Here is my updated pitch based on the feedback I've received.
ReplyDeleteBranded with PTSD after her grandma’s murder, seventeen-year-old Alison is desperate to find the killers and prove her sanity. With the help of a fire-wielding Watcher from a secret protection agency, Ali is led to a discharged scientist determined to eliminate supernatural abilities. When the agent learns Ali possesses a power over Water, she’s next on his to-cure list.
Any better??