I’m changing gears. Again.
Now that summer is finally here and everyone
has changed their boots for flip-flops and started lining up at the ice cream
stands, it seems strange to be posting snippets from a Christmas themed novella,
Snowflakes & Beeswax. I’m in the
process of putting together all my submission stuff and hope to start
submitting it later this week.
Snowflakes & Beeswax is a sweet romantic story about an agoraphobic
chandler and one of Queen Charlotte’s personal guards. With the exception of
two scenes, the entire setting is a small, medieval style farm in Northern
England. The idea for the story sprang from my current obsession with
beekeeping.
Here’s the start of my
story which is, oddly, very unChristmasy and very unromantic.
Don't forget to check out the talented group of writers who made the decision to share their work on this fine weekend. You can find links leading to the snippets they've posted at the Weekend Writing Warriors linky list, and the Facebook group, Snippet Sunday.
December, 1800
The intruder used a stick to prevent the door from
shutting completely, leaving it open just wide enough so a thin beam of silver
light streamed through the crack, penetrating the dark space behind the
threshold.
Grateful for what little light the
moon provided, the intruder turned and crept towards the center of the large
room, stopping when their hip connected with a hard edge.
With smooth, economical movements,
the intruder placed a lantern on the top of the flat surface and carefully
moved the black cloth they’d covered it with, creating a narrows slit that
golden light exposing just enough light for them to see their surroundings. The
room was a recent addition, designed so the old stone barn was between it and
the cabin, but the intruder felt it best to be cautious.
The prowler rolled their shoulders and studied the
space.
They were alone in the middle of a
large room that smelled of honey, beeswax, and heat. The lantern rested on the
top of an enormous scarred table just a few inches from a small leather trunk.
The shadow clad individual moved to
the box, the sight of the unlocked clasp bringing a brief smile to their face.
Intriguing! Love the period atmosphere you've created.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ryan!
DeleteGreat job! Very evocative and moody.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. Your descriptions are spot on--and paint a perfect picture. :-) Nice job, Jess. :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Teresa!
DeleteOooh! What's in (or was in) the box? Very intriguing!
ReplyDeleteOhh, very intriguing! I want to know what's the box!
ReplyDeleteSo suspenseful. I agree with Ryan, I admire you for creating that authentic period feel. Oh, I can't wait to see where this is going! I have one minor suggestion though. In the beginning I read the expression "the intruder" quite often. Since there are no personal pronouns I'm guessing that you have your reasons for leaving them out. How about mixing it up with dark figure or shadow. Other than that, I really like it. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice! Looks like I'll have to consult the thesaurus!
DeleteI'll agree that you do a great job with atmosphere. I can picture the setting easily and the intruder looks like just a dark silhouette, which adds to the whole spookiness :D
ReplyDeleteI don't know how early of a draft this is and I'm supposing you're going to go back for edits, but my OCD is demanding that I mention this: instead of using "their" when referring to the intruder, maybe stick to he (or she) because you're not talking about multiple people. It might help the prose to flow a bit better.
I'd like something further when that person's hip hits something (a table?). Maybe a mention of him biting his lip or cutting short a swear word. Some bit of personalization would add some richness to that moment. I'm really curious about all of this now and sure hope you're going to post more!
I'm trying to hide their identity as much as possible with the hope of increasing plot tension. I'm not sure how successful I'm going to be. I agree that all the they/thier doesn't make for very fluid writing. I'll have to give it another whirl and see if a rewrite tightens things up.
DeleteThanks for the suggestions!
Very suspenseful! Have to agree with Dana and Marcia; although I think you are purposely not wanted to reveal the intruder's gender, which makes this a bit of a quandary.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Debbie! I agree.
DeleteWow, now I need to know what they are doing. Tweeted.
ReplyDeleteLove how you paint this scene! Good job :)
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with the sub
Very intriguing. Great way to start this one. That brief smile at the end had me hooked!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm right there. Fab descriptions. I'm nervous, but excited to know more.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening. Looking forward to more!
ReplyDeleteYou're obviously trying to hide the sex of the intruder, but "their" doesn't work for me. Sounds too much like plural. I used first person to do the same thing (for quite a few chapters) but there are bits here that could work in passive voice (the black cloth covering the light) or "a hip connected with the table." Leave out things you can't handle that way.
ReplyDeleteOh, Great advice! Thanks so much!
DeleteYour snippets always take me away to another place. I love the title too. Good luck with the subs!
ReplyDeleteFun snippet and a great title. Very excited for you that you are ready to submit. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree with what's said--both with an excellent job at setting the mood and the issue with 'their'. I thought Sue Ann's suggestion was spot-on. :-) Looking forward to reading this as I've always loved your snippets!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the snippet, love the premise of the story but the word "their" stopped me cold EVERY time. (I know it's been said above and I apologize for mentioning the word too, but it just really did prevent me from seamlessly enjoying the unfolding events.) I guess I would ask, do we *really* have to be in the dark about who is doing what here? If we do, then I have all the confidence you'll find a way to write it! Always enjoy your excerpts!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the advice. It's a huge help and tells me that I really need to tinker with this section.
DeleteThis is so mysterious. But who is the intruder really and what is he doing there?
ReplyDeleteI want to know. I can almost smell the honey and beeswax.
What a great beginning to the story! I really want to know who the intruder is and why they are there.
ReplyDeleteThe box. What's in the box???? Need more snippets!
ReplyDeleteJess, I liked the mystery of this snippet, but by repeating "the intruder" it suggested we were in someone else's POV, like someone already in the room watching this person wander around, but you mentioned this person's gratitude for the light. If we're in "the intruder's" POV, give this person a sex and a pronoun so we can be more present with him/her. As it reads right now, the reader won't be very engaged in this person's exploits and might not care enough to continue reading. Good luck in your submissions. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice. I went round and round with the whole "the intruder" part. Getting the opinions of others is a huge help.
Delete