Sunday, May 19, 2013

My Weekly #WeWriWa #8Sunday Post

Thank you so much for helping me out with the flaws found in the snippet I posted last week. You hit on the points I was struggling with and had some awesome suggestions about how to correct the problem. I'm using your suggestions and am tinkering with the section.  It's not perfect, but I feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

Awesome writing snippets can be found by visiting the Weekend Writing Warriors linky list or the Snippets  Sunday facebook page.

This snippet comes from a Georgian/Regency era Christmas story I wrote called Snowflakes & Beeswax. Since I'm still battling with the break-in scene, I've decided to jump ahead a bit and introduce my main character, Oliver Hamilton. I did sneak a 9th sentence in. Sorry mods!



Fat snowflakes performed lazy loops and spins before gravity exerted control and forced them to land. Pillows of snow softened the appearance of the high stone fence, flakes clung to a bare rosebush, and piled up beside a bee skep.
Oliver Hamilton dismounted his horse and loosely looped the reins around one of the Hawthorne tree’s branches, startling a couple of sparrows who’d been feasting on the brilliant red berries and wondered if bees currently resided in this particular skep, or if it would be used to entice a new batch when they swarmed in the spring.                                                                                            
He turned to the sleepy eyed man sitting on the heavy wagon that had followed the two riders from London.
“Are you coming?”
A small avalanche of snow cascaded off the Billy Myer’s hat brim, cascading past his florid face and settled on his barrel shaped chest. Billy ignored the snow and transferred the team’s lines to one hand and withdrew a large dented flask from his pocket with the other. 
Billy enjoyed a long sip, wiped his mouth with the back of his gloved hand before he grinned at Oliver and brandished the flask. “Nay, I’ll be just fine waiting right here while you take care of business.”
           


24 comments:

  1. Nicely done - enjoyed the scene and the description. Consider: in opening of 2nd para - stopping with dismounted (the reader would know he is on a horse) also consider eliminating the echo of cascaded/cascading in the 2nd last para. Very nice use of description to paint character/personality for Billy. Well done. Good #8

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  2. Very interesting. I think we were in the birds' heads for a moment. Not sure if that was what you intended. Overall, the snippet made me want to read more, so well done.

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  3. Dang! You nailed this one, Jess! You really painted this scene! Excellent 8! :-)

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    1. Thanks, this story is fluffy and a little silly, but I think it does a nice job showcasing my descriptive abilities.

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  4. Very beautiful writing. So vivid I feel as if I'm there. fantastic!

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  5. I can certainly see Billy very vividly now! I'm surprised he wants to wait outside after all that lovely description of the snow and the coldness LOL. Had to look up skep - you made it clear what it was, no worries, but I wanted to know more. Terrific snippet!

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  6. You capture the movement of the snow very well. The dialogue was nice too, but I was mostly taken in by the use of snow. Great job!

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  7. Oh very nice. Vivid picture of every moment Love it!

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  8. Great description to really set the scene, Jess. Nicely done. :)

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  9. I so loved the description in this snippet! Great job. :)

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  10. I can see this scene, great use of descriptions.

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  11. Fantastic visual here! I could see it vividly. :)

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  12. Great use of description, especially the falling snow!

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  13. I love the description here - it is so vivid and visual.

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  14. Love the "pillows of snow" on the fence posts. So vivid. Great job!

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  15. Now that's story telling! Wonderful imagery!

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  16. I always know I'm going to read good descriptions here!

    I'm pretty sure I could pick Mr. Meyer out of a line up now. :)

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  17. Great descriptive passage, Jess! Hope you don't mind a couple of suggestions. Instead of "Billy ignored the snow and transferred the team’s lines to one hand and withdrew a large dented flask...
    Billy enjoyed a long sip..." How about "Billy ignored the snow and transferred the team's lines to one hand, withdrawing a large dented flask... He enjoyed a long sip..." (the second "and" and "Billy" seemed a bit unwieldy. Just IMO.)

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  18. The description of the snow flakes falling is beautiful--right on the mark.

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  19. Great job at painting the scene with words. Excellent 8!

    History Sleuth's Writing mysteries.

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  20. Loved that first sentence and I can see Billy in my mind quite clearly. Well done, Jess.

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  21. I loved the cascade of snow, but it's such an unusual word, you might want to change the second cascading to another word, like tumbling or rushing? "A small avalanche of snow cascaded off the Billy Myer’s hat brim, cascading past his florid face and settled on his barrel shaped chest." I felt chilly after reading this snippet! :)

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