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This snippet comes from a Georgian/Regency era Christmas story I wrote called Snowflakes & Beeswax. Since I'm still battling with the break-in scene, I've decided to jump ahead a bit and introduce my main character, Oliver Hamilton. I did sneak a 9th sentence in. Sorry mods!
Fat snowflakes performed lazy loops and
spins before gravity exerted control and forced them to land. Pillows
of snow softened the appearance of the high stone fence, flakes clung to a bare
rosebush, and piled up beside a bee skep.
Oliver Hamilton dismounted his horse and
loosely looped the reins around one of the Hawthorne tree’s branches, startling
a couple of sparrows who’d been feasting on the brilliant red berries and wondered
if bees currently resided in this particular skep, or if it would be used to
entice a new batch when they swarmed in the spring.
He turned to the sleepy eyed man sitting
on the heavy wagon that had followed the two riders from London.
“Are you coming?”
A small avalanche of snow cascaded off
the Billy Myer’s hat brim, cascading past his florid face and settled on his
barrel shaped chest. Billy ignored the snow and transferred the team’s lines to
one hand and withdrew a large dented flask from his pocket with the other.
Billy enjoyed a long sip, wiped his
mouth with the back of his gloved hand before he grinned at Oliver and brandished the
flask. “Nay, I’ll be just fine waiting right here while you take care of business.”
Nicely done - enjoyed the scene and the description. Consider: in opening of 2nd para - stopping with dismounted (the reader would know he is on a horse) also consider eliminating the echo of cascaded/cascading in the 2nd last para. Very nice use of description to paint character/personality for Billy. Well done. Good #8
ReplyDeleteOh, great suggestion. Thanks!
DeleteVery interesting. I think we were in the birds' heads for a moment. Not sure if that was what you intended. Overall, the snippet made me want to read more, so well done.
ReplyDeleteDang! You nailed this one, Jess! You really painted this scene! Excellent 8! :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks, this story is fluffy and a little silly, but I think it does a nice job showcasing my descriptive abilities.
DeleteVery beautiful writing. So vivid I feel as if I'm there. fantastic!
ReplyDeleteI can certainly see Billy very vividly now! I'm surprised he wants to wait outside after all that lovely description of the snow and the coldness LOL. Had to look up skep - you made it clear what it was, no worries, but I wanted to know more. Terrific snippet!
ReplyDeleteYou capture the movement of the snow very well. The dialogue was nice too, but I was mostly taken in by the use of snow. Great job!
ReplyDeleteOh very nice. Vivid picture of every moment Love it!
ReplyDeleteGreat description to really set the scene, Jess. Nicely done. :)
ReplyDeleteI so loved the description in this snippet! Great job. :)
ReplyDeleteI can see this scene, great use of descriptions.
ReplyDeleteFantastic visual here! I could see it vividly. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat use of description, especially the falling snow!
ReplyDeleteI love the description here - it is so vivid and visual.
ReplyDeleteLove the "pillows of snow" on the fence posts. So vivid. Great job!
ReplyDeleteNow that's story telling! Wonderful imagery!
ReplyDeleteI always know I'm going to read good descriptions here!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure I could pick Mr. Meyer out of a line up now. :)
Great descriptive passage, Jess! Hope you don't mind a couple of suggestions. Instead of "Billy ignored the snow and transferred the team’s lines to one hand and withdrew a large dented flask...
ReplyDeleteBilly enjoyed a long sip..." How about "Billy ignored the snow and transferred the team's lines to one hand, withdrawing a large dented flask... He enjoyed a long sip..." (the second "and" and "Billy" seemed a bit unwieldy. Just IMO.)
The description of the snow flakes falling is beautiful--right on the mark.
ReplyDeleteGreat job at painting the scene with words. Excellent 8!
ReplyDeleteHistory Sleuth's Writing mysteries.
Loved that first sentence and I can see Billy in my mind quite clearly. Well done, Jess.
ReplyDeleteI loved the cascade of snow, but it's such an unusual word, you might want to change the second cascading to another word, like tumbling or rushing? "A small avalanche of snow cascaded off the Billy Myer’s hat brim, cascading past his florid face and settled on his barrel shaped chest." I felt chilly after reading this snippet! :)
ReplyDelete