Sunday, July 15, 2012

Six Sentence Sunday: Fools and Runts 10

Another Sunday, which means another six sentence Sunday snippet from my YA manuscript, DWARFED. Any comments and criticisms will be both appreciated and given due consideration. Thanks!

Other authors participating in this weeks SSS can be found here.

             I bit my lip as curiosity mixed with fury and frustration. A heartbeat ago the only thing I wanted to focus on was my desire to murder Luke, but now … “continue.”
Looking embarrassed, Luke shrugged and reached over to scratch the sow behind her ear, the action causing the enormous pig shivered with ecstasy. “I don’t know,” he mutters, “I guess it has something to do with the fact that you’re not afraid to shine, but not with the blinding intensity of sunlight, that’s why I said moonlight. You’re so cool and confident that I guess it’s easy to sometimes forget you’re a dwarf.”
Torn, I peer up at him through my lashes.

One of my favorite pictures, which I took while in the middle of our hayfield.
 

26 comments:

  1. That's a nice way of putting it. I love his way with the pigs. Seems he's more at ease with them than with girls, or at least this girl.

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  2. Bless. I think maybe I'm warming to Luke a little. You've created two wonderfully rounded characters here, well done.

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  3. Luke's got a poet's heart, I think. Great six! Here's a proofing note: "continue" would be clearer as a piece of dialogue with an initial cap, (and also since it's a sentence of dialogue unto itself), "Continue."

    "the action causing the enormous pig shivered" should be "to shiver"

    "shrugged", "reached over": try muttered instead of mutters, since previous in past tense.

    Hope this helps!

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  4. A really intense moment between those two. God, I worry this might turn out to be an invitation to "friendsville" on Luke's part. I hope not. Love your six, Jess. :)

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  5. Yes, Luke certainly has a way with words. Very nice six, Jess!

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  6. Luke does have a way of putting his foot in his mouth.

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  7. Aw, nice save Luke. He's so endearing and I liked the beat you added of him rubbing the pig behind the ear--you showed his discomfort without telling us.

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  8. Great details in your conversation -- nice Six!

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  9. Luke is so sweet and awkward. And he knows how to charm a girl...and a pig! ;)

    (FYI, I hope you don't mind a little crit -- there's some tense hopping going on in these: Luke shrugged, then mutters.)

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    1. I never mind crits. Tense hopping seems to be a special problem I have. Thanks.

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  10. This little piggy is going to win the hearts of many. You do such an amazing job writing with an animal in the scene.

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  11. That is the coolest thing to say. I really like his internal poetry and honesty, that he can see beyond what others do. Well done six, Jess. :)

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  12. Aww bless, he's doing his best isn't he? And Grace seems to appreciate it.

    A few little hiccups on the construction front but I think they have been mentioned above.

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  13. I think he's trying to be nice in his own way. Maybe he doesn't realize how she's interpreting him. Nice six! :)

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  14. Nice six, Jess. This is my favorite line: "Torn, I peer up at him through my lashes." So feminine. The lashes. If you had not included "...through my lashes." it would have changed the atmosphere, taking it another direction.

    Ha! Luke doesn't stand a chance. But she has such a chip on her shoulder, analyzing everything he says for what he might not have said. Lots of stumbles ahead for them. But that DOES make for some good reading ;-)

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    1. LOL, I'm jealous of Grace's lashes. Luke's got some issues of his own, that will cause there own stumbling blocks. I agree, the rough patches make for the best reading.

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  15. I agree with Wildcat's wife... you do a great job of writing with an animal in the scene. Your love for and knowledge of animals really comes through. One question: Does she mind being called a dwarf? My neighbors have a teen daughter with dwarfism and she prefers to be called a person with dwarfism, not a dwarf. Maybe you already address this but her reaction to this terminology would be interesting to know.

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    1. That's a really good question! I addressed the issue in a scene way before this, and struggled with it. At the beginning of the story, Grace took her height in stride, and preferred to think of herself as without labels, but if someone had to use her height as a description, she preferred dwarf. Recent events have made her a bit sensitive. Thanks!

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  16. fantastic characters! and this snippet has great conflict :)

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