Sunday, September 2, 2012

Six Sentence Sunday: Fools and Runts 17

Happy Labor Day weekend! I still can't believe summer is over, how is that even possible?

It's Six Sentence Sunday again, and this week's snippet from my YA manuscript picks up where the last one left off, with Grace half-naked in a nursery crate. I don't usually push for people to read past entries of my blog, but in this case, if you're new to my blog you really should check out the snippet from two weeks ago, and the snippet I posted last week.

I'm not very happy with the rhythm of the last two paragraphs, they seem stilted to me. If anyone has any suggestions I'm happy to listen.

Thanks :)

I stare at my legs, silently taking in the pale skin, the angry red patches blooming on my knees, and the way each one formed a U shape.
             “At least I shaved my legs and put on clean underwear.”
            Luke slides bonelessly to the ground and howls with laughter.
It’s not easy to be dignified while missing half my clothes, but I give it my best shot. Holding my chin high, I climb to my feet and saunter over to where the piglets growl over my skirt.  Crouching, I twist my fingers in the material, giving it a tug and promptly learn that they might be cute and tiny, but piglets are also strong.


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I found this adorable photo on the we heart it website.

51 comments:

  1. LOLOL Excellent! I love the last line! Well done!

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  2. I love those piglets! What a cute pic. This scene just keeps getting funnier and funnier. Great six!!

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  3. I sense a tug of war coming on. I hope Luke can stop howling long enough to help! Lovely scene.

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  4. I love her dialogue! At least she's able to make light of the embarrassing situation. Great six! :)

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    1. Her resilience and unflagging sense of humor is why I've fallen in love with this character.
      Thanks!

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  5. Oh bless 'em. I love this and I love her gallantry in dealing with an embarrassing situation with good humour.

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  6. I love the piglets. You write so well about animals.

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  7. Grace can think a lot faster than me! I love Luke's reaction too.

    For the last paragraph, I think what you have is pretty good but here's a suggestion:
    "Holding my chin high, I climb to my feet then saunter over to where the piglets growl over my skirt. I crouch to twist my fingers in the material and tug, but promptly learn that even though they're cute and tiny, they're also strong."

    Cut a few words I think. Piglets *are* cute :D

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    1. That's a great suggestion! I'll have to try it. Thanks so much!

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  8. I can see this SO clearly! In particular, I love the line where Luke slides bonelessly and howls. That's awesome!

    As a sidenote, when I first started reading your blog, we'd just had piglets. They grew (and were sold) and now we have new ones due in two weeks. That just hit me when I saw the piglet pic, LOL.

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    1. I'm so jealous. I showed pigs during my 4-H/FFA days and loved every second of it. The animals were great, and the farmers who raised them remains one of the nicest group of human beings I've ever met. I'm hoping to be in a position where I'll be able to raise them again.

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  9. This is really well done, Jess. I'm so there...

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    1. Oh, and thanks for liking my new FB page!

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    2. Thanks, I'm glad you liked it, and no problem. Your FB page looks fantastic.

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  10. Well done, Jess! I love Grace's spunk and quick-witted replies.

    The last para didn't seem stilted. But I like Owly's suggestion to nip a few words.

    Great six. I'm liking this story, a lot!

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    1. Thanks. It just doesn't seem to flow the way I want it to. I tend to obsess about things like that. Thanks for the advice. I still can't get over how good your six was this week.

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  11. Wonderful! Such a great description of Grace holding on to her dignity in the face of adversity. As regards the second part of your final sentence, you do have a mix of conjugation in there - I would say that you should either have '..giving it a tug and promptly learning..' or (by splitting the sentence into two) '..material. I give it a tug and promptly learn..'. Hope that helps some.

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    1. Karen, that's a huge help. Thanks so much!

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  12. I really liked this. Made me wonder how she lost her clothes to the piglets. Great six!

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  13. Naughty piggies!! What is up with Luke choosing to laugh in lieu of giving her a helping hand? Silly & cute snippet!

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    1. Sometimes you just have to laugh when life gets silly! Thanks!

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  14. I love his reaction as much as her determination. These two have great, subtle chemistry, and I find them so very likable.

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    1. Thanks! You have no idea how much time I've spent worrying whether or not they have any chemistry, something that's gotten worse since recently reading a books where the characters didn't.

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  15. Wonder what she could distract them with? I love this.

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    1. It's been my experience that distracting pigs tends to be easier said than done. They can be incredibly focused.

      Thanks!

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  16. I really like these characters! It definitely feels very YA. Great six!

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  17. Overall I like this scene. I can see where you might've doubted yourself with the last paragraphs. Everything seems OK, but a the last line perhaps you could show how the pigs are strong? Good six Jessica and don't be too hard on yourself.

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    1. That's the trouble I ran into. Everything looked okay, but each time I read them, they felt flat. Thanks for the suggestion.

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    2. Also, I tried commenting on your snippet, which loved, but for some reason I kept getting rejected.

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  18. I love Grace here. I more used to lambs than piglets, but I seem to remember that the little pink guys are indeed strong.

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  19. I love that she can poke a little fun at herself...as for wanting suggestions, I liked that entire six...I didn't see anything off :)

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  20. Reverse the order of cute and tiny, to tiny and cute. It's a minor point, but it will help a little when added to other suggestions you've gotten.

    It's a great six. And they are strong little darlings! Luke is being no help. I understand his amusement but at the same time, shame on him.

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    1. Little changes really do make a huge difference. Thanks Kate. Luke is based on a compilation of guys I knew, believe me, they were great guys, and, provided no one got hurt, they would have laughed their butts off.

      Thanks so much for your help!

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  21. Great six.

    And yes, piglets ARE strong. =D

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  22. Having grown up on a farm, I totally relate....LOL Great six...

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  23. I enjoyed the six. Good description. Love the humor of the situation. It made me smile. Your characters have great chemistry, too.

    For the last paragraph, you do have mix conjugation there. I think once you fix those, you'll have a perfect scene.

    Well done.

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  24. H Jess, thanks for stopping by my blog. I went back and read the last two weeks as you suggested. This has been a fun read. I was right there in the moment with her.

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  25. I love your description of her legs!
    :D

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